Territorial Pissings

I wish I was more like my English Bulldog, Diesel. He just walks up and claims things as his own. What he wants, he gets. He claims it as his own by urinating on it. He sees a tree and says "that's mine." He doesn't have to plead his case. He doesn't have to justify his feelings or his actions. There is no discussion or argument from other dogs. And the tree has no say in the matter. He just lifts his leg and pees. A territorial pissing by a dominant male that sends a clear message to every other male within a 100 mile radius that this tree belongs to me! This is mine! And you...you stay away! Wouldn't it be great if things worked like this in the dating world?

Obviously, territorial pissings is a metaphor and I don't actually want to give any girl a Golden Shower. But sometimes I wish I could claim a girl that doesn't belong to me as mine. Not in a "jealous control freak" kind of way, but in more of a "just the thought of sharing you with anyone else makes me so nervous and nauseous that I want to instantly throw-up all over myself" kind of way. Sadly though, the human world is much more complicated and complex than the canine world. And while you can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

This is not a new place for me to be. Just last year I spoke about this very issue in a post titled "My Unforeseen And Unrecognizable Feelings?" In it I described how a friend of mine told me about her one-night-stand over the weekend and how I instantly felt pangs of jealousy out of nowhere! I had always seen her as just a pal, but at that moment I began to question if what I was experiencing wasn't actually the awaking of some unknown feelings I had towards her.

Several years before that, I was dating a girl who constantly asked me to define our relationship. At the time I couldn't understand why she needed an "official title." Why did we need to define what we were doing? Why was it so important that I labeled her "my girlfriend?" It seemed silly to me. I wasn't afraid of commitment, I just wasn't ready to commit. So I started referring to her as "my kinda sorta but not really girlfriend." It was a title she laughed off like a good sport. Then she informed me that since she was just a "kinda sorta not really girlfriend" to me, that she was "kinda sorta not really going to sleep with me" anymore. OUCH! We continued dating, but without the sex. It was torture! However, that was her point - to torture me like I tortured her and to teach me a hard (pun intended) lesson. Of course the "no sex rule" only lasted a week until one evening I went to kiss her goodnight at her door and she practically ripped my shirt off pulling me inside her apartment. I suppose she realized she was also torturing herself in the process of trying to torture me and surrendered to the temptation.

I may never understand the need to be in a realtionship. Although, today I finally understand her need for an official title. I understand her need of wanting the relationship to be defined. And I understand how frustrating it must have felt to live with that uncertainty of where you stand with someone you clearly care so deeply about. Having an official title and having a relationship be defined comes with a level of security and comfort that was previously absent. And as much as I like to keep saying I'm perfectly lonely, I think I may secretly crave that deeper connection.

Once again I find myself in a similar situation, but the tables have turned. I'm in a "relationship" (for lack of a better word) that has never been clearly defined and wanting to tie myself to someone who is essentially free. The rules are fuzzy and the boundary lines invisible. It's like I'm holding my breath waiting for the worst, but praying for the best so I can exhale a giant sigh of relief. Oh how I wish I was a dog.

Call me selfish, but I don't want to share you...at least not with other boys. (And I don't want anyone else to pee on you either.)