There is a tiny room with one small window. Not a window that opens to look out, but one that opens to look within. As if the light pierced a stained-glass window and sliced right through me. Illumination is not always pretty. The light is not always kind. But cold hard truths are something we all have to deal with. My Mom made me venture in. "You're big enough now that you don't have to sit in front of the priest. You can talk to him through the window screen." I recall rolling my eyes. Just the thought of going in there made my skin crawl. The queasiness in my stomach. Beads of sweat forming on my palms. I was visibly scared. I didn't know what I should say. What exactly does an 8-year-old need to confess? What sins could I have possibly committed at that age? I was a little young to be smoking crack and sleeping with hookers. Plus I had forgot parts of the "Our Father" prayer. Would I get in trouble for that? I dropped to my knees, slid the window screen open and began my anonymous confession.
Today, 20 years later, I have another confession.
I'm not sure I believe in God.
Just typing that scares me, nevermind saying it outloud. To see it infront of me and to own those words is unsettling to many, myself included. And I'm sure readers are going to crucify me for writing this post, but it's something I've been questioning for some time now and perhaps you have been as well.
I was raised Catholic, but I haven’t seen the inside of a church in years! With the exception of Christmas Eve, I can’t say I ever attended a mass willingly. The only reason I enjoyed Christmas Eve’s midnight services was because of the live Ave Maria performance. A song so beautifully sung that if a God does exist, he's letting his presence be known in the form of that woman's incredible voice. But clearly something is wrong if the only reason I’m even considering attending church at all is just for a once a year, 3 minute performance of Ave Maria.
I think people like to believe that there is some higher power because it gives them great comfort, a sense of inner peace. It makes them feel like there is purpose to life and even to death. And it gives them someone/something to pray to in times of weakness and someone/something to praise in times of celebration. Plus, the kid inside all of us still wants to believe in something magical. It just makes everyday life more exciting! Although, how many of us are praying to a God we don't believe in?
I would be lying if I said I didn’t drop to my knees to pray the morning my Mom was rushed to the hospital. I would be lying if I said I didn’t question God when a close friend was diagnosed with cancer. I would be lying if I said I didn’t become angrier and angrier towards God with every passing day I watched her suffer. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t stop believing a God existed when "God" failed to save my best friend from his suicidal tendencies. If he is God, couldn’t he have redirected the bullet or misfired the gun? Still, despite all the mixed emotions (the anger, the uncertainty, etc) people continue to cling to religion like a security blanket we are afraid to part with. If anything, people usually wrap themselves tighter in that blanket as they grow older. I often wonder if some people believe because they feel if they don't, then something bad will happen to them? Or perhaps they are worried that society will shun them - label them as wrong, incomplete, or even evil for not having religion? I don’t think anyone would ever describe religion as "cool," but it is something that never seems to go out of style. God is kind of hip.
If people want to believe in a God, then who am I to stop them? If it adds value to their life, then I'm happy for them. And if people choose to turn to a higher spirit to pull strength from and to feel empowered in their life, then more power to them. I just don't want them preaching to me and pushing their religion on me. As far as my Catholic upbringing goes, I don't believe or follow most of that stuff anymore. Actually, I’m not sure if I ever did. I tend to think a lot of it is garbage that I don't agree with. The Catholic Church is the western world's oldest and largest institution with a history spanning almost 2,000 years! The problem is they're so deeply rooted in tradition that they refuse to evolve with the times. And because of that, their teachings no longer apply to today's modern society. I simply refuse to believe that being gay is a sin. That using birth control is a sin. And if you’re having trouble in your marriage you’re supposed to speak to your priest! What does he know? The church won't even permit him to marry! So I’m to take marriage advice from someone who’s never been married? Ridiculous!
Do I think there is a God? I would like to think so. If nothing else, it’s simply comforting to believe that a higher power is watching over you. Plus, it would explain some things that science just can’t answer. I wouldn’t call myself religious, but maybe spiritual? I just believe in being a kind, good hearted human being and living a life with a "pay it forward" attitude. My apologies to my Grandmother for saying this, but I’m somewhat disgusted with the Catholic Church. So perhaps the real issue isn’t that I’ve lost my religion, but I just need a new religion.
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