STD: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I never had the pleasure, I mean the pain, of contracting an STD. And believe me, I’m sooo thankful for that! I remember one of my college roommates had caught some nasty type of “love bug”. He actually asked me “Can you do me a favor? Look at this and tell me what it is.” I thought to myself, surely you must be joking. Not “surely you must be joking that you caught an STD”, but “surely you must be joking that you want me to actually look at it!” I told him there are 3 problems with what he just asked me…

1. Dude, I don’t want to see your junk.
2. I’m not in med school, so how would I know what you have?
3. Dude, I don’t want to see your junk.

Alright, fine. Maybe I wasn’t a good friend to him. I’m sure there are girls out there that would hold their girlfriend’s hair back when she pukes from a night of binge drinking. I think I could actually stomach seeing someone toss up their cookies before I could stomach looking at another dude’s bug infested balls. I’m a friend, but a man has his limits and that is where I reach mine.

I’ll admit, I’m no angel. I’ve had my share of questionable intimate encounters. A one night stand or two…or three or four, but who hasn’t? Having a one nighter is not always the smartest thing to do, but have you ever tried talking sense into a drunk horny person? I challenge you to find a single 20-something-year-old who doesn’t have a little dirty laundry in their closet. Four years of college = four Spring Breaks. And we all know what that means – even one legged midgets are getting their swerve on. Then after graduation there are bachelor parties, rebound girls and of course the bartender that looked way better with beer goggles on in a dimly lit nightclub.

You know, the “what’s her name”. That is if you even caught her first name because we all know you surely didn’t catch the last name…nor do you care. Although you will care come morning time when the daylight dances across her face and even thru the world’s worst tequila hangover, you know that you have slept with one hideous monster! Without her waking, you manage to scurry out of her apartment, never to be heard from again. Then on your way home, you feel it, THE ITCH! Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving.

I’m sure there are worst things one can catch other than crabs. I’m willing to bet that Chlamydia, gonorrhea or genital herpes are far worse. And what about Hepatitis C? I think it should be called Hepatitis F because once you get it, you are pretty much f*cked. Then again, there is a teeny tiny bright side to having Hepatitis C. You can always lie to people and say you caught it from Pam Anderson. Sure nobody will want to sleep with your dirty ass, but you can walk away letting them think that at one point in your life you were a stud who hooked up with none other than Pam Anderson. Then again, girls might just see you for what you truly are, a filthy lying scumbag. Don’t feel too bad though, your crawly critters will want to stick with you, even if the ladies don’t.