Only A Lousy Lay Would Need The Condom Applicator

What is this? A condom applicator? They can’t be serious. How hard (no pun intended, well maybe) is it to put on a condom? It’s so simple even a child could do it! Now, I’m certainly not endorsing kids having sex, I’m merely stating that rolling a rubber on is nearly idiot-proof. Apparently though, not everyone seems to agree with me. So the condom applicator was invented by Dutch designer Jurgen Bey. Marketed and sold under the Pronto brand, the condom applicator is aimed towards those with the world’s worst dick-to-hand coordination in existence. Yeah, I’m talking to you fumble fingers.

Seriously, how good can a guy be in the sack if he is fumbling around just putting the condom on? Think about it. If he can’t “stick it in the hole” when suiting up, how the hell is he going to “stick it in the hole” when it’s game time? Get some rhythm. Get some smoothness. Get some practice! Ladies, do yourself a favor and just kick him out of bed now before you waste the next 30-60 seconds of your life with him poking around clueless in the dark. Pathetic.

To some, the condom applicator is more than an endorser for safe sex. To some, it’s a work of art. It’s even been named “The Most Beautiful Object” in South Africa. I’m guessing South Africa isn’t known for their art museums? So the condom applicator is about as artsy as it’s going to get. Here’s the kicker…

You will see the condom applicator in a museum, not in South Africa, but in the States. It was selected for the SAFE exhibition at MoMA in New York two years ago. It’s now in the museum’s permanent collection. Sorry, but if you need this product, then you should be ashamed. Be very, very ashamed.