I’m An Asshole

Me: "...and yeah I'm being an asshole right now."

Her: "No. Asshole would be saying it nicely. You surpassed being an asshole."

I’m an asshole, or so she tells me. Actually she says I surpassed being an asshole. So that would make me…? I’m not sure what is below an asshole. Is there a lower level? If so, that is where I rank. I imagine it is probably somewhere around scum of the earth. Open up a dictionary, look for the word “asshole” and there you will find my smiling face. Yes, apparently I am officially defined as an asshole, but I won’t let it define me. I try to make light of it and tell myself I’m not an asshole. I’m just a big fat stupid poop head. The name calling doesn’t hurt me, but it’s the source from which the insult comes that pains me. It is because I hold her in such high regard and admire her on so many different levels, that it hurts to know she doesn’t feel the same towards me…or at least doesn’t anymore.

If I willingly call myself out for being an asshole, shouldn’t my punishment be lessened? It’s like a criminal that admits to committing a crime, the judge then goes easy on him, reducing the sentence. So I confessed. I admitted that I was in the wrong and labeled myself to declare my asshole-ish behavior BEFORE she had a chance to call me on it. So shouldn’t she be a little more forgiving? A little more lenient? Or maybe even say “you’re not an asshole, but right now you’re acting like one.” Instead she not only agrees in thinking I’m an asshole, but implies that asshole should be seen as a compliment to me because I’m far worse than just an asshole. I quote: “Asshole would be saying it nicely.” Oh how she warms my heart. Flutter.

Obviously, it’s not a flutter. It’s more of a knife twisting sensation, but maybe I deserve the cuts. They say there is a very thin line between love and hate. My stomach is feeling very nauseous, an emotional symptom found in both love and hate. I don’t think it’s love though and I’m sure it’s not hate. I don’t think I posses the ability to hate such a sweet creature. But that sick uneasy feeling continues to reside in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s just the crunchy tacos I ate? After all, I’m an asshole, I should be an expert on nausea and how to expel it from the body! I’m sure with time, the nauseous feeling will past. Although one thing will certainly reside with me forever, her last words…

“It makes me sad that, of all of the thousands of extremely sweet things over the past year that you have said and done, this is what I'll remember most. And having feelings for you...well, tonight it sucks having them more than ever.”

Now that right there, that makes me want to throw-up. It’s not only ending things on a bad note that leaves a retched taste in my mouth, but it’s knowing that loving me causes more pain than joy in another’s heart. Wow. Loving me causes more pain than joy in another’s heart. It’s hard to see it written out like that. It feels more real now.

Kindly stated, I am an asshole.

PostSecret Mini Movie

"There are two kinds of secrets.

Those we keep from others…and the ones we hide from ourselves."

I hold both.

Thumb Surgically “Whittled” To Improve Txting

You may remember earlier this year when I posted about a NYC spa that is giving Blackberry thumb massages. Now getting your thumb massaged is one thing, but having it surgically whittled is certainly another! With the increasing number of people txting on their cell phones and using thumb enabled devices such as Blackberries and iPhones, that fat little phalange is starting to take a real beating. So if a trip to a massage spa for some TLC on your thumb just isn’t cutting it, then how about “cutting” it? That’s what one Denver, Colorado man did when he underwent thumb surgery to better enable iPhone use.

Twenty-eight-year-old Thomas Martel is a big guy, with big hands. And you know what they say about big hands, right? Big thumbs. So because of his meaty sized thumbs in combination with the ever-shrinking interface on devices, he has a hard time using the features on his new iPhone. At least he did, until he had his thumbs surgically altered in a revolutionary new surgical technique known as “whittling”.

The procedure involved making a small incision into both thumbs and shaving down the bones, followed by careful muscular alteration and modification of the fingernails. Using plastic surgery as a tool for improving workplace efficiency is definitely something new, but we may be seeing more of this. While Martel’s new thumbs now appear small and effeminate in comparison to his otherwise very large hands, he says he can still lift pretty much anything he could lift before the surgery. Although opening spaghetti sauce jars has been a problem, no big surprise. (Am I the only one DYING to see his freaky hands now?)

Martel was quoted saying…“From my old Treo, to my Blackberry, to this new iPhone, I had a hard time hitting the right buttons, and I always lost those little styluses. Sure, the procedure was expensive, but when I think of all the time I save by being able to use modern handhelds so much faster, I really think the surgery will pay for itself in 10-15 years. And what it’s saving me in frustration - that’s priceless.”

This dude willing disfigured himself for the sake of a tech gadget! Even though he will now scare off girls with his stylus shaped thumbs when he attempts to punch in their digits with his whittled “digits”, Martel says it’s a small price to pay. He feels he is finally iPhone empowered. Whatever weirdo.

A Good Day

When a girl sends you a txt message at work telling you xxxxxxxxxx and asks if it will turn you on to xxxxxxxxxx, I would say that’s called a good day.

***UPDATE***
Sorry, had to edit the original post. I censored parts of it with “xxxxxxxxxx” to help protect the innocent...I mean the guilty.

Don't Try To Hack A Hacker

Dateline NBC knows all about a game of cat and mouse. They lure in the predator by pretending to be weak prey. But what happens when they venture into unknown territory and are no longer the top cat? Simple…they are eaten alive by the lions! That’s what happened this past weekend in Las Vegas during DefCon 15, the largest gathering of hackers, crackers and security professionals in the world. The tables turned and an undercover Dateline NBC reporter was outed. I don’t feel bad for the reporter though. When you try to outsmart someone who is smarter than you, it’s not a smart move and never ends pretty.

Associate Producer, Michelle Madigan, was going undercover hoping to reveal cybercriminals talking openly about their illegal exploits. Instead, the sting backfired when a conference organizer outed her in a room filled with thousands of her would-be targets. The crowd, usually a friendly group despite some vampirish clothes and complexions, wasn't pleased. As a few chanted "burn the witch," Madigan scurried out of the Riviera Hotel to her car with about 150 hackers-turned-hecklers in pursuit.

DefCon's inhospitable treatment of Madigan wasn't just because she was missing a press badge. She had also missed the point. By focusing on the “bad apples”, Madigan was glossing over DefCon's true spirit - smart people getting together to mess around with technology. That’s what DefCon is really about, even though Middle America thinks it’s about stealing social security numbers, raping your children and breaking into your bank account. The reality is that hackers are the ultimate explorers. They see technology and want to know how it works.

That exploration goes well beyond invading the closed corners of the Internet. DefCon's more than 6,000 attendees hack everything from their cars, to their computers, to their brains. Yes, brains. (I’m not explaining that. You’ll have to read up on it if you’re interested.) Of course DefCon still attracts some true "black hat" hackers bent on learning the newest tools for illegal intrusion, sabotage, espionage and credit card theft. But what attracts cybercriminals also attracts cybercops and there’s always plenty of Feds in attendance.

Many of the hackers that gave DefCon its renegade reputation in earlier days have now grown up. They’ve launched legitimate careers in security with big-name tech companies or have started their own security company (ahem). But even with a lucrative day job, it's still about a passion for technology. It's thinking about what technology can do, rather than what it was originally intended to do. It's about saying “Wouldn't it be cool if ...?” And then actually doing it. That is the original sense of hacking and what Madigan should have been at DefCon to report on.

Elton John Demands The Internet Be Shut Down…Rrright

Pop legend star Sir Elton John wants the Internet closed down! And we should listen to him because…? Because he’s yet one more celebrity who is out of touch with reality and the real world and enjoys spewing his opinion on others like it is the word of God? Because he is a musical genius, we should overlook his ignorance and utter stupidity when it comes to asinine comments he makes towards technology and worship him like the almighty one he is? That we should just blindly follow his demands, because after all, he did write “Candle In The Wind” and that alone makes him an expert on blogging? Yeah, that’s right. If you are a blogger, Elton John is more or less spitting on you.

Never one to keep his opinions to himself, the Rocket Man has waded into cyberspace with all guns blazing. He claims that there is too much technology available, that the Internet hampers communication, it’s destroying good music and it’s responsible for stifled creativity.

“The internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff. Instead they sit at home and make their own records, which is sometimes OK but it doesn’t bode well for long-term artistic vision. It’s just a means to an end. We’re talking about things that are going to change the world and change the way people listen to music and that’s not going to happen with people blogging on the internet. I mean, get out there - communicate. Hopefully the next movement in music will tear down the internet. Let’s get out in the streets and march and protest instead of sitting at home and blogging. I do think it would be an incredible experiment to shut down the whole internet for five years and see what sort of art is produced over that span. There’s too much technology available. I’m sure, as far as music goes, it would be much more interesting than it is today.” – Elton John

Wow. There are so many things wrong with what he said that I don’t know where to even start! Perhaps he is so bitter because his last album pulled in lack luster sales numbers, but whatever the case may be, it's clear his silk panties are in a bind. I’ll try to keep my rebuttal short and just say this…

If we could give the Internet credit for just one thing, it would be the fact that it has brought people together, NOT separated them. Never before has there been a medium that could bridge the gap between all races, ages and economic differences. Black, white, gay, straight, rich, poor, young, old. It makes no difference online. Even a big corporation and a small Mom & Pop business are seen as “equals” when it comes to the Internet. That’s that beauty of it.

The Internet has been the main tool used to bring children in poverty stricken countries around the world not only a better education, but a better chance at life. Sure there is no substitute for physical touch and face-to-face communication, but implying that the Internet hampers communication is just absurd! Without the Internet, many musicians and artists would cease to exist. The Internet gives them a venue in which to get their name out there, to showcase their talented work. Take the Internet away and you’ve just taken away their creativity. Are you following me? I won’t even go into the whole Napster/MP3 debate, nor will I touch upon the billions and billions of dollars made from the Internet and the countless jobs created because the Internet exists. And you want to do away with that? You have to be kidding. Our economy thrives off the Internet and you don’t need to be a Wall Street tycoon to know that.

The multi-millionaire Elton, who turned 60 earlier this year, has admitted in the past that he is a bit behind the times. No, really? He also admits to being the biggest technophobe of all time. He doesn't own a cell phone, an iPod or anything. If you ask me, this is even more reason why he should shut his mouth. He has zero knowledge about anything tech related. So how can he can demand, or even suggest, the Internet be shut down when chances are he has never even turned on a computer in his life!

To be blunt, he’s a hippie who never made it out of the drug induced 60s era. Hate to inform you, but it is 2007 now and times have changed, immensely! Just turn on the news and you will see how the flower child days of holding protest signs are over. If you want to “fight the man” these days, then you will see more support for your cause if you get the word out online – bigger audience. So here’s some free advice for you, dude. Why don’t you stick to talking about what you know best, writing music. It’s now perfectly obvious to the world that you lack the intelligence to speak about anything other than that. Stick to the past and you will stay in the past. The future is here, has been here and will continue to move forward while you are being left behind. Either get with it or say bye-bye. Go run along now and put on your Mama’s pearls and pumps and tickle the ivory like a good little boy. Leave the tech talk to those of us who actually know what the f*ck we are talking about.

A Title I’ll Never Hold – Spelling Bee Champ

It’s no secret that I can’t spell. In fact, I’ll be the first to tell you that I spell like a 2-year-old. Yes, it’s that bad, but most of you are probably unaware of this thanks to spell check. It has my back. It covers my butt. I think the poor spelling gene may be hereditary. My father can’t spell either. In fact, he probably spells worse than me! I know that’s shocking and hard to believe, but true. (“Ruff” is the sound a dog makes and “rough” is a texture, Dad.) Now don’t get me wrong. My Dad isn’t an idiot. He just can’t spell, like me. Like father like son. Lucky for him though, he married a Spelling Bee Champ, my Mom.

Thanks Kira for pointing out this t-shirt to me.

My Mom is like a walking dictionary, thesaurus, encyclopedia and medical book all wrapped into one. Sometimes I think she worked for Webster’s or Britannica in a previous life. But how do you explain her vast medical knowledge? She never attended medical school, so where did that come from? Maybe after she put me and my sisters on the school bus in the morning, she raced back into the house to perform a crude home lobotomy on the family cat? I don’t know, but she was born with the M.D. gene.

The first time I introduced my “kinda sorta not really girlfriend” to my Mom, it was like they went into their own secret language – medical jargon. Somehow my Mom was on common ground with a girl who actually assists in lobotomies during her work week (well, not real lobotomies because I believe those are outlawed now, but she does get paid to cut people open). Of course I was asking if they could “dumb it down” for me so I wouldn’t feel like such an outsider in the conversation. Truth be told, I’m not a dummy. If I was, I would have never been accepted into Carnegie Mellon. Although there are days when I feel like a dum dum. Days when I don’t even understand what she’s talking about, let alone spell it.

No worries. Some girls find this flaw of mine cute, even adorable. The key is to find a girl that sees my poor spelling as such.

Related post of interest…

• 10/16/06 Dum Dum