When You Hate Your Own Writing

If you’re like the majority of writers out there, you’re a self-doubting bundle of neuroses determined to believe that your writing will never be good enough. That’s the tortured soul of a writer. I’ve always been my own worst critic. Writing makes me happy. Reading what I’ve written usually does not. I hate my own writing. Well, at least 95% of the time. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t feel the need to obsessively edit a post, even after publishing it. And nearly every post I publish lately, I have to fight the overwhelming urge to completely delete it. (This post will probably be no different.) Even browsing through my blog archive makes me cringe.

I was a sophomore and the last one left sitting in my college writing class. I had completed the in-class writing assignment, but was reluctant to turn it in. I kept marinating over the words, refusing to let the ink dry. I don’t even recall what the paper was about, but I do recall what Dr. Jordan said to me. She told me..."A real writer is like an artist. They never feel their work is complete. There is always going to be something you’ll want to change or improve upon."

When it comes to writing, the second you call it complete, you’ll think of something new to add. Something you should take out. Something you should reword and say differently. You’ll begin to overanalyze and rewrite it to the point where you question if you have some mild form of O.C.D. or if you’re just one of those annoying perfectionists that everyone hates. You’ll become frustrated when you read another writer’s take on the same subject and feel as if they stole the words right out of your skull! Even worse, you’ll convince yourself they said it better than you ever could. You won’t trust your own voice any farther than you can throw your own pen.

It's a bizarre phenomena the way writers see-saw between a love/hate relationship with their own writing. You're in the throes of a story or an article. You feel inspired. The creative juices begin to flow. It’s all blooming before you and you’re experiencing that writer’s high. This feeling can last a few hours, even a few days, until you look back at what you've done. Then the angst sets in. The writing you thought was superb suddenly seems clunky and inadequate. The phrases you particularly liked now seem awkward and ill-formed. The metaphors lack depth and the imagery is weak. The writing is awful...or at least to you it is.

If any of this resonates with you, take comfort in knowing you're not alone. All writers go through this. At some point, every writer thinks they are the worst writer in the world. It's has nothing to do with talent or dedication or practice or experience. It has to do with self-doubt. With being human. And maybe with the fact that you ARE a real writer?

I wish I was more easily satisfied. To write a few lines and think, "perfect - nothing needs changed!" But I don’t know a single writer that operates like that. I need to come to grips with the fact that I rarely, if ever, will be 100% satisfied with what I write. Even if I pour over every single word, I still think I’ll read over it and find flaws. Still, I want it to be perfect. I want it to impress everyone, especially myself. I want to be proud of what I write, even if it’s not leather bound and labeled a best seller. Is that asking too much? I’m sure it is. The fact is everyone doesn’t have to love my writing, but I sure wish I would at least learn to like it.