Ask a couple who just returned from vacation how their trip was and you’ll hear two very different variations of the same story - an unabridged and abridged version. From the woman, you’ll hear a play-by-play, hour long, detailed packed tale full of highs and lows, tragic and triumph, love and lose. And from the man, you’ll get a one sentence reply, "it was good." If you’re a woman comparing these stories you’ll immediately overanalyze and jump to conclusions thinking something must be wrong! Did this man NOT enjoy himself? He barely said anything! He must want to breakup with her and she is clueless! But if you’re a guy comparing these stories, you simply reply "cool" and go about your day. It’s no secret that men and women are very different when it comes to communication styles. Women want to immerse you in their world. They really stand behind the "sharing is caring" motto they learned as children. Whereas men just give you the bullet points, the highlighted Cliff Notes.
• Fiction or Non-Fiction: Men Suck At Listening?
It seems the only thing more frustrating to a woman than a man’s lack of storytelling is his inability to listen. Men are constantly getting crap for not listening! The fact of the matter is if you are talking a mile a minute and throwing all sorts of info at me and your story is jumping all over the place causing me to play connect the dots with the bullet points, I’m going to feel overwhelmed and confused. And when I get to that state, I start to tremble and silently whimper. I tune you out because you’re making my brain hurt. It’s a survival method!
• When Someone Finishes Your Sentences
I recently read a great article titled "The Art Of Listening" by ChaChanna Simpson. She talks about her biggest pet peeve - interrupting someone when they speak. She empathizes how YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME. While I totally agree with her, I personally like it when someone can finish my sentences. To me that says they "get me." And it saves me the trouble of having to find the words, or waste their time getting to the point of what I was saying if they already know what the point of what I’m trying to say is! When that happens, you just know the two of you click and there’s an instant bond there - something that’s not always easy to find. Of course when they don’t "get you" and they try to finish your sentences, then it just comes across as a rude interruption and is annoying.
• She’s Looking For An Ear, He’s Looking For A Solution
Like I said, there is a HUGE difference between men and women when it comes to communication. Women often say they like a guy who enjoys talking, but what they really mean is they like a guy who enjoys listening to THEM talk. I don’t mean that in a rude way. What I mean is that women often just want someone to vent to, someone to listen. However, men by nature are problems solvers and many have trouble not offering advice in hopes of solving their girlfriend’s problem rather than just offering her an ear and nothing else. I’ve learned this lesson at a young age from growing up with two sisters. And I’ve learned that more often than not, I’m to shut up and just listen.
Now when it comes to men, I know that when I have a problem some of my female friends think I just want to vent to them. So they will listen to me, but not offer any solutions or advice. As a guy, that frustrates me because usually the whole reason I brought the topic up is because I’m seeking help, not just an ear to listen. And there lies the communication barrier. Perhaps I could break through that barrier if I started the conversation by saying three words - I need help. A phrase I rarely, if ever, say. Because it goes against my strong, independent, problem solving mindset. (You can add "stupid" in there if you like as well.)
• Listening Is Done With Your Heart
It's the old "you hear me, but are you actually listening?" If you're a man, you've probably heard this snappy tone projected your way on a least a handful of occasions. But something women should be aware of is a lot of men have been trained to just hit the red record button in their brain when a woman starts to talk. That way when she asks if he’s listening, he can simply hit play and spit back all that data. So while it may appear he was listening, he may not actually be listening. I think TRUE listening has to come from caring. When you care about someone and what they have to say, you’ll listen with not just your ears, but with your heart as well.
So what does it mean if you started forming a comment to this post before you even finished reading this post? It means you're a bad listener (er, reader). But hopefully some of what I've said today can help break down the barrier and bridge the communication gap between the sexes. Because the first step to better communication is understanding that people's wants, needs and communication styles vary. When it comes down to it, the communication gap between the sexes has less to do with the gap between your ears and more to do with the gap in your heart. When you care more, you'll listen more. It's as simple as that.
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