The Return Line

Ahh, the holidays. Family, friends, food, fun and of course fresents. (Ok, "fresents" isn't really a word. I just now invented it because the word "presents" wouldn't of flowed as well.) Bad gifts and the holidays seem to go hand-in-hand. I mean it just wouldn't be the holidays without fruitcake and socks right? Gift cards can be nice because you pick out exactly what you want, but on the other hand, they are impersonal. And who wants an impersonal gift? Of course who wants socks for Christmas either? Then again, I was in need of some new socks and Santa did bring me some, so I'll stop talking about socks in this post now. And don't worry, I won't utter another word about fruitcakes. After all, I never even tasted fruitcake and I have no intention of doing so in my lifetime. My digestive system goes into lockdown when I threaten it with something that weighs more than a 10 inch brick. So thank you, but no thank you on the fruitcake.

Over the years I've received some bad gifts. No let me emphasize. Bad, bad, very bad gifts. I seriously got gold pants one year. I kid you not. Oh yeah, I should mention it was 2004, more than a decade after MC Hammer sang "2 Legit To Quit". These weren't any gold pants. These where SHINY gold pants. The kind with those gold flakes in them that caught the light and burned the retina in your eye. Yeah, that kind of gold pants. Solid gold pants. Gold TRACK pants even. The kind with elastic on the ankles and the waist. Baggy and gold. 3X size. By the way, I wear 32x34 pants so they were just a tad roomy on me. I believe I fit my entire body in one pant leg and had room for an extra person to swim in there with me. Did I mention they were gold? Stop. Hammer Time.

Other than gold pants, there was also the year of the unicycle. Yes, you read that right - a freakin' unicycle. Again, this is no joke. If I remember correctly, I was about 15 when I was given a unicycle on Christmas morning. My exact thoughts where "What the f*ck?" Of course I didn't say that. Instead I was polite (and shocked and frightened) saying "Wow. Hey. Um. A unicycle? Can't say I would of guessed that Gram." I should mention my Grandma isn't senile, just very...well very original in her gift ideas? I mean who even makes unicycles? Where do you even buy a unicycle? Does anyone ride a unicycle? I know bears do, but I wasn't aware 15-year-old boys were junking their BMX bikes for a one-wheeled wrecking machine. Perhaps it was all the rage back then and I was just left out of the loop? Somehow I doubt that. Being the good grandson that I am, I put on a smile, grabbed a ball and rode the shit out of that unicycle for Grandma all Christmas Day. If that's not "taking one for the team", then I don't know what is. Any circus bear reading this, look out - I just may steal your job!

The gold pants were given to the Salvation Army and the unicycle was sold at a garage sale...I think sold to a clown, who I'm sure re-gifted it and gave it to a bear the following Christmas. So to the kid out there rockin' the 3X gold pants and the bear who's perfecting his juggling routine on my unicycle, more power to ya.

So I ask you this...what is the worst gift you ever received? No need to identify the gift giver. In this case, I believe in protecting the guilty - the guilty person of bad gift giving.

(FYI: No rapper or bear was hurt in the writing of this post.

Wii Have A Problem

Wii Have A Problem is a blog focused on bringing you the latest trend in gaming violence. Specifically, Nintendo Wii injuries. Yes, the Nintendo nerds are actually hurting themselves at an alarming rate. Injury cases range from bloody hands, dislocated fingers, black eyes, broken arms and blunt force trauma to the head. The weapon of choice - their very own Wii wireless controller. Some overly excited Wii users (cough, losers) are reporting that the controller flies out of their sweaty little palms during a "spirited video gaming moment". This results in a trip to the ER and/or replacement of a broken TV screen, shattered lamp, etc.

How big of a problem is it? Honestly? Well to date, several hundred Wii injury cases have been reported. Now how many of those injuries were do to misuse of the product is yet to be seen. However, so much bad press has come out surrounding Wii injuries that Nintendo is considering a recall on the controllers. A bigger, beefier, more stable strap will be introduced. With proper use, it should greatly cut down or even eliminate injuries. All I can say is thank God nobody lost their wee-wee yet! That would be the most horrific Wii injury of all! (That's my bad joke of the day. Forgive me.)

Check out the the above website for a slew of injury photos and stories relating to the Wii.

Honey Do List

It's the holidays and as usual, I'm more overwhelmed than enjoying that Christmas spirit. So today I take a moment for myself to write up my To-Do list, or as my Mom likes to call it the "Honey Do List". Honey, do this. Honey, do that. You know how that works. Of course that sappy honey pet-name did not make me want to do the chores any more willingly as a kid. But at least she asked nicely, right? Here is my "Honey Do List" written to myself as just another reminder of all the shit, I mean great joy, this time of year brings. I swear I'm not a Grinch. I will get into the Christmas spirit just as soon as I have a few of these nagging items crossed off my list. Other items I will do with a smile on my face and I may even breakout the Santa hat to wear.

• Task: send out Christmas cards
  Status: kinda, sorta but not really done
• Task: set up tree, wrestle outside lights, hang mistletoe
  Status: done, check
• Task: swear at insane shoppers and drivers
  Status: done, check and double check
• Task: make-out by the fireplace
  Status: done, very well
• Task: finish any last minute gift buying
  Status: it's only the 22nd, no man is done this early, so uncheck
• Task: watch "A Christmas Story" and "Christmas Vacation" for the 155th time
  Status: will do
• Task: donate a present to someone in need
  Staus: R/C model airplane already sent to 8-year-old Nathan
• Task: offer to drive Granny in for the holidays if weather turns bad
  Status: done, check...extra brownie points for me
• Task: bake/decorate Christmas cookies with 2-year-old niece
  Status: canceled due to her having a fever
• Task: make cabin reservations for New Year's eve
  Status: I'm getting to it
• Task: order tickets to the Nutcracker and surprise a certain someone
  Status: mission complete
• Task: turn ringer off my new Razr so work related calls can't bother me on my 5 days off
  Status: doing that now!
• Task: pick up sister at airport
  Status: OH SHIT!!!

The New Blogger Gets A "One Thumb Up" Rating

Blogger is officially out of beta this week, but the new version is only kinda sorta better, but not really bug-free. While I had no problem migrating my existing Blogger account to this new Blogger version, other users have reported some bugs. The only "bug" I notice thus far is that some people who have left a comment in the past on my blog are now appearing to be "anonymous" when they originally logged in with their account. Their username and profile pic are not showing up. An annoying glitch, but hopefully one that will be fixed shortly. I'm pretty sure it's nothing on my end. It's more than likely tied to a bug in the new Blogger version.

The upgrade includes integration with Google accounts, allowing users with existing accounts to log into the service. Also onboard is a new Layout feature, which utilizes Web 2.0 functionality for code-free updates to blog layouts. The new Labels tool allows users to tag and sort posts by keywords. Blogger has also added more template options to help people get started with their blog design. Dynamic Publishing allows users to see changes to their blog almost immediately after they're made, without the lengthy publishing process that marked previous versions. Private blog restrictions have also been added, allowing users to specify who can see their posts by entering the e-mail addresses of potential readers. New feed options are on board as well and the service now supports RSS 2.0 and Atom 1.0 standards.

If all of that tech jargon sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking to you (mmm waaa wa wa mmwa), then let me simplify - the upgrade is worth it. Especially for those that want to customize their blog, but aren't the most computer savvy person. If I had to rate this new Blogger version, I would give it one thumb up. Not worthy of two thumbs, but then it isn't all that shabby either.

I Can't Give You A Happy Period, But I Can Give You A Happy Heart

(Work in progress. I may save this post for a later date.)

The Calm After The Storm

Incoming IM, mid-day workday.

HER: what are you doing home today?
ME: working
ME: I had a few meetings I had to go to this morning, then thought I could get some of this other stuff done at home
HER: like make nice with me?
ME: ha
ME: you should make nice with me
HER: oh, I'LL make nice with you
ME: hmm
HER: I'll make really nice with you
ME: make nice with me a few times?
HER: definitely more than once
HER: make nice all night long
ME: Nice.
ME: or as Borat says...Nnnice

Have A Happy Period :)

Sometimes angry women scare me. Sometimes angry woman make me laugh. Sometimes angry woman scare me AND make me laugh. Such is the case with this girl, her rant will follow shortly. Needless to say, when a woman is on her period, look out! I fear anything that can bleed for nearly a week straight and still live! Can that even be human? Anyway, I'll admit it, I'm somewhat frightened of women around that time of the month. However, growing up with 3 women (Mom and 2 sisters), I learned how to deal with these types of things. I even have a tried and trued method on how to keep a "happy girlfriend" and survive her PMS rages. Although that is for another day, another post. For now, enjoy this piece below. Let me warn you that she has a potty mouth. Fowl language will ensue. She will spew the F bomb with a vengeance. If phrases like "motherfucker" offend you, then discontinue reading now. If you want to hear this woman roar, then read on. Unedited, uncensored and in it's entirety.

You can actually send a Happy Period e-card to a friend!
Are you kidding me? Most women would probably reply with
a nice big "Go Fuck Yourself Procter & Gamble".

Written by an Anonymous PMSer...

Ok so Always, the brand that makes pads, is on this whole "have a happy period" kick. Now they put it on their pads, ya know on the little piece of paper that covers the adhesive side, yup in some nice little feminine script it says "have a Happy Period." I see that shit and I'm like what the hell...it's bad enough that they actually say that crap in commercials like i'm really gonna stop and think and be like...wait...I never thought of that...all this time i've just decided to be bitchy, and bloated, and broken out, and crampy and in tears during my period, when all along i could've been having happy periods. On the beach in a bikini (maybe an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot one), or in a coffee shop with my girlfriends who also have their period, but you wouldn't know it cuz we're all just so fucking happy about it.

Forget the fact that I'm bleeding like a slaughtered pig, forget the fact that I now have to walk around wearing a fucking diaper hoping I don't bleed on everything, forget the fact that now I'm horny as fuck but can't get any and guys must know when a girl has her period and find us extra attractive cuz they always wanna try to touch your ass on those 5 fucking days a month that you've gotta wear this mini diaper and period panties, and when u ask them not to touch your ass they always gotta fucking ask why, CUZ I'M ON MY FUCKING PERIOD YOU MORON, forget the fact that I'm already bloated but craving french fries, potato chips, chocolate, cake...chocolate cake. Forget all that shit and have happy period. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD!!??

You can fucking suggest the shit, why don't you give some pointers. Maybe it involves a whole lot of valium, And you know normally I would think that some dimwitted dick came up with that slogan, but no I'm sure it was some high powered business woman in her navy blue skirt suit and stilletto pumps trying to show that she can make it in a mans world...I bet she doesn't have happy periods, i bet she takes fucking birth control year round so that she has no periods, so that instead of spending a week with premenstrual syndrome, a week on her period, another week with post menstrual syndrom and then another week dreding that in a week she's gonna be PMSing again she can have the time to come up with nifty slogans as if telling me to have a happy period is gonna make me buy your product more, like theres something extra special about your pad. Guess what bitch, you've got a product that people are gonna buy whether u advertise for it or not... it's like gasoline, or toothpaste, or condoms we're gonna buy it no matter what, we have to, we need it to survive . so FUCK YOU and fuck your happy period.

and for the record, I am NOT having a happy period.

(Side Note: If I'm not mistaken, it's 2006, almost 2007. Who still uses pads? I didn't know the pad was still competing since the invention of the tampon. I wasn't aware they sold pads, but then again I'm not really up on the feminine hygiene line of products. And just for the record, that girl...I think someone needs a hug. But I'm not touching her. She's super angry and scary sounding! Be afriad. Be very, very afraid.)

Mac Addicts Aren't Made, They're Born

Mac addicts are a peculiar bunch of people. Often they go to great lengths to further bond themselves with their machines. You've seen the Apple tattoos, but Apple birthmarks? The parents of this baby see the Apple logo on their son's back. What do you think?

Bueller, Bueller, Bueller, Anyone? Bueller...

Ok, so here's the deal. I know I haven't put up a new post in a week. I also know I have barely visited anyone else's blog in the last month or so...well, several months. I know I have been getting a little slow on replying to e-mails, answering IMs and even returning phone calls. Yes, shame on me. Which as I write this, it also reminds me to call my Mom back. Sorry, I swear I'll do it the very second I hit "publish" on this post. In short, I've been a bad blogger and a not so good correspondent. However, I have an excuse. Not a new excuse. It's actually an overused excused, but an excuse none the less. My excuse - I've been busy. I know it's not original and often not acceptable to say, but in life there are priorities and my priorities right now don't consist of blogging. I know, I know, please dry that tear that is streaming down your face. It will be ok, I promise. Despite the fact that I try to make time to write, I struggle to find inspiration in which to fuel my writing and therefore I continue to fall short. My forehead hits the desk.

It's a little bit of depression, a little bit of frustration. A little bit of anxiety, a little bit of stress. And a whole lot of overwhelming. My priorities lately consist of juggling my business, working on completing my masters, selling my house and of course trying not to be so indecisive in my selection with this new place I shall soon call home. On top of all of that, throw in the holidays. Then try to squeeze in dating, friends, family and a little "me time"...which there seems to be less and less of. It can be enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed and rightfully so. Now for the good news...

An entire makeover of my blog is currently in the works and nearing completion. A custom layout that is long overdue. I'll also be renaming my blog (once again) and doing some reorganizing of the archive and other aspects on the main page. It's on track to be implemented before January 1st. So stick around. I'll make it worth the wait. I think. I hope. I'll at least try my best. I shall do my utmost.