It’s Official Guys, Our Seed Is No Longer Needed

If this isn’t a blow to the male ego, I don’t know what is! I always thought I was good for something. That I served some sort of purpose on this earth, but now I’m having second thoughts. In the movies you’ll hear some naggy woman harping on her man saying he is "good for nothing". Well to that I always had a rebuttal in my head. Of course I never verbally blurted it out in the theater because that would be classified as psycho behavior, arguing with a screen actress, while she’s still on the actual screen. So I would have this inner argument in my head. Which I realize now as I’m writing this, it seems just as crazy, if not MORE crazy, then shouting at the movie screen. Anyway, I digress. Men have always been good for something, right? We are good at paying for dinner, cutting the grass, fixing a flat, moving heavy furniture, taking out the garbage and some of us can even hang a picture. These are all talents, or rather handyman skills, that a woman desires in a man. If we perform these duties in a timely matter often enough and without being asked or reminded to do so, then there is a good chance we will be rewarded – with sex. To men, this reward is priceless! To put it bluntly, a man knows no greater joy than getting laid. Often, it’s our sole purpose of existence! What else is there to live for - taking out the garbage? I don’t think so.

Once a woman is close to reaching age 30, many go into this state of panic! They feel their internal clock tic-toc ticking away. They sink their claws into the first man they see within a 20 foot radius and claim him! They club him over the head, bound his hands and feet, and drag him back to their cave. Or lair, since this is the work of the devil, the she-devil! (Obviously, there is a bit of dramatic effect here and a small amount of exaggeration. So don’t send me hate mail scolding and lecturing me that women only bind the hands and not the feet.)

When a woman has her new-found man in her cave (no pun intended, ok pun intended), she uses him for sexual purposes. Now not for pleasure, but for seed spreading. She’s looking for at least one good swimmer. A Michael Phelps in the sperm world. To a woman like this, sex can seem like a chore or a necessarry act one needs to endure in order to conceive. So naturally, they need a man to help them accomplish this goal of conception. I’m sorry fellas. I too would like to believe they want to ravish our bodies and use our giggle sticks for their own dirty, devious sins. But unfortunately, they are just using us for our prized ejaculate. Want more bad news? Now women don’t even need our semen, AKA they don’t need us! Or at least in the shark world a female doesn’t need a male to reproduce. Let me introduce you to the Virgin Mary of sharks!

The first time it happened, scientists thought it might be a fluke. A female hammerhead shark residing at a zoo in Omaha, Nebraska had not been in contact with male sharks for at least 3 years and yet experienced a "virgin birth". She delivered a single pup. And now it has happened again! This time a blacktip shark had spent nearly her entire 8 years at the Virginia Aquarium without any male companionship from her kind. In what some religions might call a miracle, science calls "parthenogenesis". Using DNA fingerprinting techniques used in human paternity tests, scientists have determined that the solitary offspring contained no genetic material from a father. Scientists say it is reasonable to assume that female sharks can do this on occasion. Surely it happens in the wild, but nobody has been able to prove it yet. There's no reason that keeping a shark in captivity would cause a fundamental change in the reproductive system. But yet, something remarkable is happening! This asexual reproduction occurs when an egg cell is triggered to develop as an embryo without the addition of any genetic material from a male sperm cell.

Sharks have suffered steep declines in all of the world's oceans, either inadvertently caught by fishing nets and hooks or targeted for shark fin soup marketed as a delicacy in China. Some scientists have suggested that this may be a last-ditch way for severely depleted populations to reproduce if their numbers fall so low that males cannot find females. So much for the Adam and Eve story. Adam is no longer a necessary part of the equation.

I’ve always thought women are the stronger sex. Think about it. No man could bleed for 5 days straight every month and live to tell about it. But yet women do this. And child birth? Oh, no, no, no! You will NOT see me ever going thru that! That looks excruciatingly painful! My theory is this is just the evil workings of woman to help rid the world of men. These days, women want to rule the world. And in some areas, they do! So what do they need a "good for nothing" man for? Men aren’t even needed when it comes to reproduction. Although I'm sure we will be called upon when a spider runs across the floor. Yes, that will be man's purpose - exterminator and garbage man. Women can keep the population going without the help of us, but perhaps they’ll take out our giggle sticks every now and then strictly for fun though? We can only hope.

Say It In Six Words

About 2 months ago, PostSecret asked readers of their blog to submit their six-word secret for an upcoming memoir book. At the time, I never submitted mine because I wasn’t feeling very creative. Today, I’m still not feeling all that creative, but I thought it might be more interesting to read some of your 6-word secrets rather than my own. Of course to be fair, I’ve composed 6 six-word secrets of my own to start it off. You don’t have to come up with 6, but if you can think of just 1 six-word secret, leave it in the comments section.

I still think about you, everyday.
I’m ready to be happy again.
My weakness, girls in stiletto boots.
Sorry Dad, I’m voting for Obama.
I want to be a writer.
Just six words can’t define me.

This is my last six-word sentence.

(By the way, you get extra credit points if you reply to a comment in six words. Ahh, yes. This is getting tricky now!)

Girls Whispering About Me?

Ever wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear what people are saying? Of course some things are best not to know. However, when the chit-chat is complimentary, wouldn't you like to hear it? Usually I’m the last to know if a girl likes me or even thinks I’m cute. I’m kind of clueless in that regard. But thanks to the Internet, I’ve just been filled in on this little bit of info...

St. Louis Wedding Vendor Directory - Forum
http://www.stlwed.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=18934

Subject: Great blog!
I found this guys blog a few weeks ago and love reading...I thought some of you may like his latest post about the state of our economy.
http://diamondkt.blogspot.com

Girl 1: "I really enjoy his writing and he's a super nice guy (I emailed him for computer help and he went above and beyond to help me out!)"
Girl 2: "He's hot! At least he looks hot in his profile picture. Sorry, I'm shallow."
Girl 3: "If you're shallow, then so am I. It was my first thought too."
Girl 1: "Ummm - that's why I added him as a friend...I had never even looked at his blog."

Every weekend I get a "stats report" on my blog e-mailed to me from from the previous week. In it, I’m given referral links on how people find my site on the net, like a Google search keyword, etc. So that is how I overheard the whispering, otherwise I would have remained clueless. I guess these brides-to-be like me? I know they aren't calling off their wedding over me or anything dramatic like that! But still, it's nice to be virtually loved. Well, they just find me cute or "hot", which is good enough for me. I have to say I’m flattered and I hope I didn’t just embarrass any of them by posting this. I often wonder what girls talk about and in this case, now I know.

Gmail Looks Out For Your Drunk Ass With "Mail Goggles"

We’ve all been there. We click send and then say "Oh shit!" We just sent a txt or e-mail out and we are having second thoughts. We want desperately to get it back, but unfortunately, there isn’t an unsend button. So what do we do, other than panic? It’s out there, flying at lighting speed thru cyberspace and has already been delivered in the recipient’s inbox in a matter of seconds! There’s no time to race to the girl’s apartment, knock the Crackberry from her hands and tackle her to the floor screaming "Don’t read that! Don’t read that!" Even if you could get there in time and intercept the message, the chances of her NOT reading it are slim to none. You’ve just sparked her interest in why you so adamantly want her NOT to read it. So naturally, now she is dying to know what it says! "I think im drunk and i think i love you" - perfect example of a txt I sent out late one night. And sooo not romantic. I’m also guilty of booty calling the wrong girl while drunk. Ummm, yeaaah. That was an awkward moment. But hey, in my defense, the contact list is small on my phone and the buttons are touchy. Not to mention my vision was slightly impaired making it rather tricky.

As if you needed yet another reason to love Google. If you remember the other week I gave you 10 reasons to love Google, but perhaps you need just one more. If so, then you’re in luck because Gmail Labs (Google’s beta testing/lab of new Gmail features) has introduced the best feature to date! I’m sure you are familiar with the term "beer goggles", but Gmail has added a twist to it with "Mail Goggles". Sometimes we send messages we shouldn't send. Like the time you told that certain someone you had a crush on them over txt message. Or the time you sent that late night e-mail to your ex wanting to get back together. Gmail can't always prevent you from sending messages you might later regret, but Gmail can give you a virtual sobriety test that may help. And when we are drunk, we can use all the help we can get! Think of "Mail Goggles" as your designated e-mailer. (Get it? Designated driver/designated e-mailer? I know, bad joke. Let’s move on.)

When you enable Mail Goggles, it will check that you're really sure you want to send that late Saturday night e-mail. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind? But if you can’t answer a handful of 3rd grade math questions in under 60 seconds even when sober, well then you’re pretty much fucked trying to do it while intoxicated. So good luck with that. By default, Mail Goggles is only active late night on the weekend as that is the time you're most likely to need it, when you are out drinking yourself into a drunken stupor. Once enabled, you can adjust when it's active in the General settings, for those of you that are daytime alcoholics.

Blame it on the Blackberry. Blame it on the iPhone. Blame it on every cell phone that is equipped with mobile web access and txting capability. Sure the sport of drunk dialing is still around, but it seems these days many of us have moved on to drunk txting and drunk e-mailing. Whether it’s a phone call, a txt message or an e-mail, all are equally detrimental to your character when you are drunk. So hopefully Mail Goggles will prevent many of you out there from sending messages you wish you hadn't. And when in doubt, do what I do. I have a rule I follow, or at least try to follow, to keep me from saying something I’ll later regret. When my emotions are running high (whether it be anger, love, etc), I write the message and sit on it for a full 24 hours before sending. That way I have time to cool down and think it over. I rationalize it out and if I still feel the same in 24 hours, then I hit send. Try it. It’s been a life saver for me!

Although this isn't to say that I don't occasionally send totally random and probably completely inappropriate messages now and then - drunk and sober. I'm human. It happens. Please forgive.

Your Father Is Having "Cardiac Problems"

I had lunch with my Mom on Saturday and somewhere between talk of her recent trip to California, my dog and Sarah Palin, she casually throws in..."Your father is having cardiac problems." Umm, what? Why is this the first time I’m hearing this and when did you plan on telling me? She offers me little to no details and quickly changes the subject, leaving me in the dark. And that’s where I’ve been the last 48 hours or so - in the dark. Worrying. Wondering. Even praying I misheard her or that it’s some type of sick joke. Could that be possible? Please let that be the case! I’m sooo much like my father it’s scary. Just the thought that he could have a heart attack or...I can’t even say the word. I’m beyond freaked out! I find my hands shaking a little just writing this. I immediately go into denial, as I’m sure my father is there too. He has always prided himself on the fact that he’s in the same shape he was at age 18. Obviously I didn’t know the man at 18, but I can testify that he hasn’t gained a single pound since I was born. He’s in great health, or at least he/we thought. Like me, he’s a "go with the flow" laid back kind of guy. So I doubt he is worrying about this, or at least doesn’t show it. Most likely, he’s in denial. I don’t think my Mom is in denial though, but she is denying me details.

I’m having trouble thinking clear. And even if I had more details on this, I probably wouldn’t be able to write about it. It’s perhaps my biggest fear, losing my Mom or Dad. It’s something that scares me shitless and because of that, I completely shut down when it comes to talking about it. So as I write this vague post, I’m watching "Meet Joe Black" on TV. It’s a chick flick, but a favorite movie of mine. I can’t help but compare Anthony Hopkins scripted role of "Bill Parish" with the unscripted real life of my father. I wonder if he has a similar conversation with himself. If he asks himself that question...

The great Bill Parrish at a loss for words? The man from whose lips fall "rapture" and "passion" and "obsession"? All those admonitions about being "deliriously happy, that there is no sense living your life without." All the sparks and energy you give off, the rosy advice you dispense in round, pear-shaped tones.

The question you've been asking yourself with increased regularity, at odd moments, panting through the extra game of handball, when you ran for the plane in Delhi, when you sat up in bed last night and hit the floor in the office this morning.

The question that is in the back of your throat, choking the blood to your brain, ringing in your ears over and over as you put it to yourself.

The question.

Am I going to die?

22-Year-Old Auctioning Off Her Virginity To Pay For School

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The Palin Interview That Will Make You Cringe

Remember on your 21st birthday when you woke up the next morning, or rather afternoon, in a haze? You were hungover beyond belief, or if you were like me, you were still drunk until 2:00 in the afternoon the next day! Remember that fog your mind was in? Remember how you rubbed your eyes, scratched your head and asked "Where am I? What happened?" Remember how your stomach turned on you and you walked around with that "huh" look on your face? Well that is exactly how I felt last night after watching the CBS Evening News. Katie Couric posed questions about Roe vs. Wade to both vice presidential candidates, as well as a follow-up about any Supreme Court decisions they disagreed with. Democratic Joe Biden why he thought Roe vs. Wade was a good decision, Republican Sarah Palin why it was a bad one. Sounds simple enough, right? I would think Palin would have nailed this question and knocked it out of the park. I mean afterall, who better to speak on abortion issues than a woman? Plus, she has a pregnant teenage daughter at home, so she should be familiar with every issue surrounding Roe vs. Wade. Right? WRONG! May I present to you the most excruciating interview I have since Miss Teen South Carolina tried to answer why a fifth of Americans cannot locate the U.S. on a world map. Post/video found here...
8/28/07 – You’re Hotter When You Don’t Talk

WTF? I feel stupider for having listened to Sarah Palin speak in this interview. Is it just me or does she leave you feeling dazed and confused too? (And not in a good way.) Seriously, did anyone manage to comprehend a single thing she said? I couldn’t make sense out of any of it and I don’t think she even partially answered the question asked. Even Katie Couric looked baffled! This reminds me of a drunk chick in a bar who rambles on giving you her life story and acts all nervous and tongue tied like she is interviewing for a date. When in reality, I just wanted to know if she was done with that table so my friends and I can sit down. However, I'm fairly certain Palin wasn't drunk. Nervous maybe, but not drunk. So unfortunately, she can’t blame her incoherent statements on alcohol.

The thing that gets me is I don’t know how Bush and Palin can be such poor speakers off the cuff. You do public speaking for a living! You should be comfortable with it by now. And if you truly aren’t dumb, you sure sound dumb when you open your mouth. Not everything can be scripted, but for these two, perhaps it should be. I can understand if you get nervous during a speech, but a couple years of college kills the jitters because everyone has to do it until it becomes second nature. And interviews, every time you meet someone new you are basically being interviewed by them.

Notice the long pause she makes midway thru with the heavy sigh? In her head I’m sure she was saying..."Fuck! I’m not ready for this. I don’t know how to answer this. Let me try rambling on about nonsense, throw in a couple big words, overuse generic statements and smile. Just smile. They’ll like me then and want to vote for me!" Palin is one of those people that the longer they talk, the deeper of a hole they dig for themselves. I’ve interviewed people similar to this for a job before. They have that same wide-eyed, "deer caught in the headlights" stare. They hemmed. They hawed. They tried bullshitting me into believing they were qualified for the position and they actually knew what they were talking about. However, I saw right thru it and cut the interview rather short to save their pain and my own.

Unlike Miss Teen South Carolina, Sarah Palin can’t even play the cute/dumb card because she’s not hot. And those that think she’s a MILF, or a soon-to-be GILF, you need your eyes checked! The only time a dumb girl gets a free pass based on her good looks is if she is competing in a beauty pageant, going for an internship or interviewing to be a bartender. If you are applying for a position in the White House, then I’m sorry, but you need to step up your game – big time!

Tonight is the first and only vice presidential debate between Biden and Palin. I’m trying to keep an open mind here and give her a chance to redeem herself. Show me that you aren’t that dumb! Because if you are, I shudder to think if you are elected. Let’s face it, McCain is a crusty old man and can very well kick the bucket while in office, God forbid. But let’s just say he does. Then you are looking at Palin as president! Horrifying. And people think George Bush is a joke? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

(I swear I don’t want to turn this into a political blog full of hot button issues because that’s just not my style. It’s something I typically don’t enjoy writing about, but just like yesterday’s post, I have to make an exception here because I would have simply bursted at the seams if I didn’t speak my mind on this! Tomorrow, I promise to return to my regular blogging topics.)