Socially Retarded

My face is a blessing and a cursing. Blessed that I appear friendly and open enough that pretty much anyone will talk to me. Cursed that I appear friendly and open enough that everyone does talk to me. I realize that makes me sound like a total dick! I swear I'm not a dick. I just play one on the Internet.

The best thing about the Internet is the people. It's also the worst thing about the Internet. I believe the same is true about life in general.

I don't know what it is, but people don't seem to have any social boundaries when it comes to me. Part of me enjoys their candidness and another part of me is terrified by it! My sister shares this same problem. She shares my face.

People want to engage in conversation at inappropriate times, like when I'm running with headphones in. And people want to engage in conversation that is just inappropriate at any time, like the woman in the Target checkout line telling me about her pending divorce. All I wanted to do was buy a bottle of Tide, a pack of light bulbs, and be on my way. Instead I was trapped in an impromptu marital counseling session with a total stranger that was teetering between tears and murder. On a scale from 1-10, the level awkward I felt was a 97.

My Mother says I should take this all as a compliment. That I give off kind energy. That I'm a sympathetic and understanding soul. That people can sense I'm caring. I tried not to laugh. She tried not to hit me.

They say 80% of communication is non-verbal. If that is true, which I believe it is, then maybe it's not these people that are socially retarded. Maybe it's me that's socially retarded! That somehow my body language is inviting these bizarre conversations in.

I tried not to make eye contact. I tried to look busy, as busy as one can look at a dog park. But when she said hello I couldn't be rude and not at least smile back. That is when I knew it was all downhill from there. This particular woman is notorious for talking my ear off! She physically traps me in a corner between a shady tree and a picnic table where there is no escape other than climbing the tree or leaping over the table (both options I've taken into serious consideration). She's one of those people where the conversation is all about her and she never takes a breath between sentences. It's so draining!

For the most part, I've learned to tune her out without appearing rude. I throw out the occasional "yeah, uh huh, ok, mmm hmm, really." But yesterday she said something out of left field that I just couldn't ignore. Something I've been having nightmares about! She said...

"My cockatoo's uterus pops out of it's body when aroused."

T.M.F.I. (Too Much Fucking Information)! I've never been so horrified and turned off in my entire life! I wish someone was there to photograph the look on my face, to capture my non-verbal communication. I had no reply. I literally ran away. My Bulldog followed.

What I've Learned From This Experience:
There is still a lot I don't know about the female anatomy. I know my way around a vagina, but clearly I need a Uterus 101 course. Can a uterus pop out of a woman's body? Wouldn't that hurt? Is it common? Could you die? It is an organ after all! I'm still amazed at how women can bleed for 5 days straight every month and live. I would Google the answer to these uterus questions, but I'm too frightened at the images I may find.

What You Can Learn From My Experience:
When you don't know what to say with your mouth, say it with your body. And the best non-verbal communication is to run. Run far. Run fast. Run Forrest. Run!