Fucking Feelings!

There should be a limit to what a person can emotionally feel, similar to reaching your physical threshold of pain. A cutoff limit. A point you reach where the heart just become instantly numb, protecting itself from further hemorrhaging. An "ok that's enough now" level, like a bloody cornerman's towel being tossed into the fight ring to signal the man is done. Unfortunately for me, there is a malfunction. The alarm that is supposed to go off when all your fucking feelings start reaching dangerous toxic levels hasn't sounded. The automatic shutoff value that locks into place when it senses the brain can no longer endure such emotional trauma without rending one clinically insane has snapped. And that 10-inch thick giant concrete barrier that should be dropping into place to shield me right about now has somehow become lodged.


I am disgusted by my own emotions, overflowing months later when I should have damned up the hole by now. I mean, really. What's my problem! I'll be the first to admit it's ridiculous, pathetic and beyond embarrassing. And I feel so stupid! Sooo, sooo stupid! I'm physically strong, but emotionally weak. She makes me weak. And I'm not too proud to say it. There's no rational explanation as to why a tiny little thing that was said has stirred up a hurricane of emotion inside me. Big waves of feelings, fucking feelings, come crashing back in just when I think the storm has passed. It hits me in the chest and shallows my breath. It causes my hands to tremble and nausea begins to rock from side to side in my stomach as if I was a sailor lost at sea. Like I said, there's no rational explanation for the symptoms I'm experiencing. Well, except for one. But I don't like saying the word. And I'm working hard at convincing myself that is just a figment of my imagination. That I've blown it out of proportion and it isn't real. My own personal reality check.

When I first met her, I said to myself "this is someone I always want to have in my life." I didn't know in what form that would be, whether it be a friend or a girlfriend. I just knew my life was so much happier with her in it. I felt like a better version of myself with her around. I was funnier, smarter, more charming. I felt this connection that I never felt with anyone else before in my life! And I didn't want it to ever go away. I didn't want her to ever go away. And when she did, I just...I don't know. It's been hard. Harder than I imagined it would be. Harder than perhaps it should be. And definitely harder than what I wish it to be.

Few people in life have the gift to make me smile like she did. That is why it sucks so bad not having her around. It's like not having my smile. I don't care if she knows that. I don't care if she has that power over me. Because not admitting to something doesn't make it any less real. It doesn't weaken the fact. And living in denial certainly doesn't make pain magically disappear.

I often wonder if today we both would have been better off for not letting it go so far, if we kept messy feelings at bay. That way I could at least still have her as a friend. Now I have nothing. It feels like I'm mourning the death of a best friend more so than mending a broken heart. That is just one of the many things I miss - the mere friendship. But that's life I suppose. The heart can't always have what it wants. And sometimes what the heart wants isn't always best for it. I'm working hard on accepting that, not 100% there yet.

Feelings are SUCH a fucking nuisance! No truer words have ever been spoken. Although maybe it's not some lingering feelings that are eating away at me. Maybe it's just my new vegan diet that is talking. That would explain why I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion because my body is meat deprived. Men eat meat. I haven't been. So when you start eating like a woman, you start acting like one. Clearly, that's it. Because it can't be that other thing, right? Right?

Regardless of what it is, I want someone to throw a bloody cornerman's towel into the fight ring on my behalf so I can live to fight another day. Actually, I don't want to fight. I just want to live...without any fucking feelings.

And if I could bite into a big juicy steak, I would be pretty ok with that too.



***NOTE***
Related post of interest: 9/8/10 - You're A Grown Ass Man!