Confessions Of A Startup Founder And CEO

If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you probably know I’m the Founder and CEO of a Network Security Consulting company. But if you really knew me, you would know that although that title may sound fancy and somewhat impressive, there is a side to it that is anything but glamorous. And when it comes to the less than glamorous side of our lives, we are reluctant to share those stories. We are more than happy to boast about tripling revenues, hiring additional employees, signing new clients and expanding our business internationally. But along the way mistakes are made and tiny tragedies take place...all which we hide, or at least don’t willingly share. So when I recently ran into an ex-girlfriend in a NY café and she asked how things were going, I didn’t lie to her, but I did omit some truth. I lied by omission. I purposely left out the less than glamorous side. Here is the confession she did not hear.

For us, payday is the 1st and 15th of every month. And every 1st and 15th of every month I sign seven paychecks, one to each of my employees and one to myself. For the past few paydays, I’ve only been signing six. No one has been laid off, fired or quit. And all my employees have received their checks in full. So you do the math.

There is a show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me. It’s a perfect example of how we all wear masks in life. Like putting our best foot forward, we also put our best face forward. In the show teens are asked to take off their masks and complete this sentence infront of their peers - "If you really knew me, you would know..." Completing that sentence sheds new light on who you truly are as a person, what it’s really like to be you. It’s not just teenagers that wear masks though, adults do too. That’s why that show came to mind when I was talking with my ex in that café. Of course when we were dating she knew me well. Although that was then and this is now. And now...

• If you really knew me, you would know I have been working 70+ hour weeks (for weeks) without a paycheck.
• If you really knew me, you would know that for the first 2 years of my own startup I couldn’t afford to give myself a paycheck and I NEVER thought today I would be back in that same position. For that, I feel ashamed.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I stayed up until 4am last night crunching numbers and putting new plans into place.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I come into work every day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude to ensure everyone around me that we are fine - that I’m not worried and their jobs are secure.
• If you really knew me, you would know that despite how calm and confident I appear on the outside, I’m currently feeling frazzled and unsure of the immediate future.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I’ve learned far more from my failures than my successes in life. And although this "rough patch" is definitely a learning experience for me, I refuse to allow my baby (AKA, my first startup) to become a mere "learning experience." That is not the legacy I had in mind when I gave birth to it and it’s not the legacy I want to leave behind if I should one day sell it.

I remind myself of the tremendous growth and success this company has experienced in such a short existence. And these people aren’t just my employees. I consider them my friends as well. They are like a second family to me. And while I’ve always stood by my motto "I’m your boss first and your friend second," the truth is the Mother bear in me feels obligated to protect them. So I cut myself in the process of saving them, rather than allow them to get cut and bleed on their own. If the wound was deeper, this would not be smart business. But a few scrapes I can take. I’m not going hungry or homeless. I’ve put myself in a financial situation where I am able to survive without a paycheck, at least for now.

I didn’t tell her any of that stuff because not only is it entirely too much detail, but it’s also too heavy and depressing for a passing chat. Besides, I wanted to put my best foot/face forward so I gave her the short, rose-tinted version. While I’m not looking to impress her, I’m also not looking to openly humiliate myself either. Nor did I want pity or a heroic pat on the back for taking one for the team. I just wanted to wear a simple, happy mask.

I've always admired people who can just put it out there and say..."Hey, this is who I am. I'm beautiful and ugly. There are things I'm proud of, things I'm ashamed of. Sometimes I'm smart and sometimes I'm stupid. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, but I always give it a good fight." And I always love hearing inspiring stories of people who continue to fight and become great successes in life. But only if their story of success includes the stories of how much they fucked up, failed and got rejected along the way. Not because I enjoy a painful journey, but because I enjoy a journey that’s real! And that’s exactly why I’m sharing this confession.

Because it’s real. Mask removed. End scene.


***NOTE***
Related post of interest. 6/9/09 - Skater Fag