Why Halloween Is Better Than New Year's Eve

Halloween may have come and gone, but today as you sit in your office cubical paralyzed by a sugar-induced coma, why not read some of my random ramblings? Afterall, you’re staring aimlessly at your monitor anyway. So you might as well put your "zoning out hour" to good use. The mound of empty chocolate wrappers covering my desk tells me that I'm pretty much a waste of space at work today. I too am fighting through a sugar-induced coma...compliments of the co-worker Mom duo sitting to my left who overbuy bagged candy religiously every October. They are capable of making me into a fatty in 15 minutes flat! That's ok though, they're Moms. Moms like to feed you. That's what they do. And you can't ever say no to a Mom! It's like a whore saying no - just doesn't happen. So call me a manwhore or call me a candywhore, I don't care. I just can't say no. (You can see where this post is headed, can't you?)

New Year's Eve is supposed to be the biggest party night of the year, but personally, I like Halloween better. That's because New Year's Eve parties have too much responsibility tied to them. And we all know that responsibility = the slow sucking out of fun. Why else do people scream "not it" when someone asks for a volunteer to be the designated driver? Nobody wants to be the level headed one in the group, the voice of reason, the rule enforcer. LAMER! I mean I just don't want to be the guy keeping count of exactly what and how much my buddy has had to drink so I can help poison control. I don't want to be the one holding his public urination ticket so he actually believes me later when I say he has to go to court in a few weeks. And I don't want to be the guy trying to convince him (or in his eyes cock block him) that the "hot girl" he is escorting back to his apartment is really a transvestite. Maybe all of that makes me a lousy friend, but if you knew my friends then you would understand that they learn best from making their own mistakes. So who am I to interfere with their learning process? I want to see them grow as men.

Another problem with New Year's Eve is that there is too much emotional, psychological, and social pressure. You have to make sure you are at the most kick-ass party of the year. If not, then you've just wasted your last moments of 2009, which you can never get back. You have to make sure you have someone to kiss at midnight. If not, then you're just a loser and it's surely bad love karma for next year if you can't even end this year properly. And finally, the worst thing about New Year's Eve - the resolutions! The pressure, the responsibility, and setting oneself up for inevitable failure is not right.

Maybe I set my goals too high, but every year there is always a handful of resolutions I've either failed to keep or never reached. While I should be focusing on my successes and the resolutions that I did keep or achieved, I just can't help but feeling like a year-end failure on December 31st. Then on January 1st, it starts all over again. That looming feeling that I need to make new resolutions and work even harder at keeping or achieving them so I don't repeat the failures of last year. Plus, there's always that bitter sweet goodbye to another year that's come and gone. Instead of feeling excited for a brand new year about to begin, I want to hold on to time. Maybe that's the kid in me, never wanting to grow up? Arrrgh! Whatever happened to just having fun at a party?

Halloween parties feel like a belated birthday party to me. I was born on the 28th, so when the 31st rolls around I like to pretend that all the scandalous dressed girls in skimpy costumes are eye candy just for me! Honestly, I can never get enough sexy kittens, naughty nurses and girls dressed as edible cupcakes. You see, this is why Halloween is my favorite party night of the year. There is none of the pressure or responsibility that New Year's Eve brings. There isn't any deep thinking involved. On Halloween you can just kick back, relax and be yourself...and at the same time you get to be someone else too! The only "goal" you need to achieve is having fun. Afterall, that is what a party is suppose to be! Of course there are two objectives you should shoot for at any party. Getting shit-faced and getting laid. Accomplish both of these and your night was a success! So I'm happy to report my Halloween was a success.

She was dressed in a shiny, black vinyl catsuit teddy. Complete with knee-high stiletto boots, cat ears, a tail, and a whip to match! I was dressed as Captain Morgan, the spiced rum pirate. I had never seen her before and was never introduced. So when she turned and smiled at me, I tipped my hat and smiled back. Then I called her over. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." She laughed, started to walk towards me, then stopped. She cracked her whip and pointed to the floor, instructing me to come to her instead. I like this girl already. She wants to dominate!

There is often a rude awaking to one-night stands. Come morning, you roll over and realize what you’ve done, or rather who you’ve done. Somehow they always lot better through beer goggles in dim club lighting. But what’s done is done. The important thing is she didn’t have a penis. So you’re in the clear. It’s time to collect your shit and roll out. Of course in the case of the sexy kitten, I had no complaints. She looked just as great out of the black vinyl catsuit in the morning sunlight as she did in it under the pale moonlight. Her name, I didn’t catch it. She will just be forever known to me as the sexy kitten who cracks a mean whip.

I promised I wouldn’t blog about my sexcapades, but what can I say? I lied. Lesson #1, never trust a manwhore. This concludes another session of Manwhoring 101. Any comments, questions, or concerns? If so, you know where to leave them. Now class is dismissed.

(And don’t forget to grab a complimentary Snickers bar on your way out. Full sized, none of that chocolate miniatures bullshit. Because being fat is only fun when you have an equally fat friend to gormandize with.)