Make-out with him and you’ll agree, my puppy is a pimp! Just ask his vet. She seriously made-out with him. In fact, he got to 3rd base with her faster than any man could get with a Las Vegas Bunny Ranch whore. Kissing, fondling, the works. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. Did I mention it was open mouth kissing? With tongue! Needless to say it was a bit much and I was becoming nauseous (and a little jealous) rather quickly. Ok, he’s cute, I get it. Ridiculously cute even. But playing tonsil hockey with my 10 week old Bulldog puppy is a little much. There are limits to a “physical”. That isn’t part of the exam. That is borderline bestiality and frankly, I felt violated for him. I understand that putting a thermometer up his butt is part of the job, but was it necessary to fondle his non-existent ball sack while you kissed him deeply? Also, he can hear you when you yell out that his testicles didn’t drop yet. He knows. He’s aware he hasn’t hit manhood. Don’t make him feel inadequate just because he doesn’t have visible jewels. Give it time. I don’t want to buy him a jockstrap for awhile anyway.
Let me ask you, who needs a wingman when you have a Bulldog puppy with a face like that? Total strangers ask to take his picture. People have cut short their phone calls just to meet him as he passes by. On multiple occasions, co-workers have requested that I bring him into work. When he arrives, people stop doing their job so they can squeeze his cheeks/jowls, tug at his neck wrinkles and poke at his belly chub. Of course he eats it all up. He loves the attention! He even helped me sign a client to a $5,000 business deal. Good doggy. I awarded him a glob of peanut butter…the puppy, not the client.
Other dogs want to be him. Guys want to roll with him and girls, well the girls just adore him! He single handedly increased my mojo by 25%. Since I got him, the number of cute single girls I’ve met has skyrocketed. It’s shocking what a 10 pound shoelace chewing machine can do for a guy’s love and sex life. Just last night I realized that my dresser is adorned with a rather sizable collection of names and numbers from various hotties. My cell phone also seems to be storing quite a few more contacts lately. I’m definitely not complaining, just wondering if it’s all the puppy’s doing or if I can take partial credit? I guess it doesn’t really matter who reels them in. It’s the end result that counts and something tells me that when they mention having dinner, they aren’t referring to staying in and eating out of a pale pink Eukanuba puppy food bag.
If you are single, I strongly suggest adopting a dog to increase the number of women you meet. If you can’t adopt one, then you must beg, borrow or steal a puppy (preferably a Bulldog pup) and let him lead the way. Actually, he won’t lead you to the girls, they will come to you. Trust me on this. I’ve even turned and walked the other direction and some girl went out of her way to cross the street (in the rain I might add) while nearly getting struck by an SUV just to pet my puppy! He is like a magnet that pulls the XX chromosome inward from all directions. They can't resist cuddling him to no end.
Now I would like to believe all the attention is due to my awesomeness, but I’m not that vain or dumb enough to even partially think that is true. It’s the pup. I know it. He’s a pimp and there is no denying his crazy pimping skills. My boy got game – pure and simple. He gets mad bitches. Besides, there is no easier conversation starter than…“Aww, your puppy is so cute! What’s his name?” Introduce the dog and she introduces herself to you along with a phone number. Not even having to ask for it? It doesn’t get any easier than that guys.
If Diesel could talk, he would disagree with the phrase “Pimpin’ ain’t easy”. Pimpin’ IS easy when you’re a waddling rolly-pully puppy. And remember, don’t be a hater. Don’t hate da playa. Hate da game. Diesel’s NY Knicks game jersey is being fitted as we speak. A good pimp needs his proper threads. Soon we will have to fight the girls off with a stick! Yes, he’s one sexy mutha-fucka.
See another photo of Daddy's lil bundle of joy...
No comments:
Post a Comment