PrefaceMelissa Blake is a freelance magazine writer, newspaper columnist and blogger that writes about the ups and downs of finding love...but does it with the added challenge of having a physical disability on top of it all (as if dating and relationships weren't hard enough on their own already). Needless to say, it makes for very interesting reading! She gives a fresh and unique perspective on the love/dating/relationships topic that you surely won't find anywhere else. Plus, she's a "tells it like it is" kind of girl - my favorite! I admire her honesty, strength (yes even her self-proclaimed freakishly strong arms) and her sheer talent for the written word. And did I mention she's funny as hell? When asked about her disability (Freeman-Sheldon Syndrome) she says,
"It's not contagious and it won't give you Cooties, either. I've had my case featured in countless medical journals. Now tell me you don't find that hot!"Guest Blog Post for Melissa BlakeNo one has ever asked me to Guest Blog for them before. So when freelance writer and fellow blogger Melissa Blake from
"So About What I Said..." asked me to do just that, I was flattered and quickly accepted. I asked her to propose a topic since I had no idea what she wanted me to write on. Her response,
"Why do guys run the other way when they see me, especially in my wheelchair?" My heart broke a little for her. I wasn’t expecting her to ask me that! However, I believe she asked me that question because she knows I’m a "tells it like it is" kind of guy. My writing is honest and I will say exactly what I think, not what I think she wants to hear. And while I can't speak for all guys, I can speak for myself. So if you are intrigued as to what goes on inside the inner workings of a boy's mind, read on. Today I'm a modern day Dear Abby, or Dear Albert, as I answer Melissa's question...
Q: "Why do guys run the other way when they see me, especially in my wheelchair?"
A: The short and sweet (or rather unsweet) one line answer - men are lazy.
Yes, I hate to bash my own sex but it's the truth. We prefer lazy love. We like relationships that don't ask a lot from us. Relationships that require little to no work are ideal. Why else do you think the #1 reason guys give when breaking up with a girl is "it's just too much drama." It's just too much work. We can't handle it. And we don't want to learn to handle it. We just want to move on to something easier, less complicated. We are in search of simplicity - simple love.
That's what it really boils down to. We don't want to put in the effort. Now sure after a relationship gets started we will put in the work (or at least I will, can't speak for all guys). But at the beginning we really don't even know you and often don't bother getting to know you because we've already made a snap judgement - too much work, moving on. We like taking the easy road, which translates into us being lazy. It's not a good quality we have, but it is the truth. So while I can understand your frustration, you shouldn't take it personal because it has more to do with men in general (their ways) than you in the least. What's really sad is that I'm sure plenty of guys, including myself, miss out on some great girls upfront because we aren't willing to do the necessary work in getting to know them better. I can tell you that there are some guys out there that are not like this, that do not fit the norm. The real challenge is finding them and weeding out the lazy dudes! So how do you do this?
Let’s be honest, no one is without flaw in this world. We are all beautiful, ugly and misunderstood. And while no one is perfect, I am a firm believer that there is someone out there that is perfect FOR you. To find them, you need to look beyond the imperfections. You must go further than skin deep and past the so called surface scuffs. The challenge is to find someone who is willing to do the necessary work it takes to "read the chapters" (AKA, get to know you) and not just judge the book by its cover. Love is not black in white. It’s filled with various shades of gray. And while your heart may be quietly crying "love me," our life may not always accommodate that wish so graciously.
I’m not a believer in opposites attract. Even eHarmony based their entire business on the fact that true love is based on compatibility - finding common ground. And personally, I’ve always found myself being attracted to girls I have things in common with. Those are the relationships that work for me. When we both share similar beliefs, morals, hobbies, lifestyles, sense of humor, etc. a bond is instantly formed. A friendship quickly develops and if you’re lucky, romantic feelings follow. I don’t want someone EXACTLY like me. But I don’t want us to be so different from each other that we are constantly butting heads. And I would hope that the differences we do have would balance us out as a couple. That my weaknesses are her strengths and my strengths are her weaknesses. That to me would be living in perfect harmony.
While nobody (including yourself) should focus solely on the fact that you have a disability, you have to realize that it does factor into a relationship. Just like a single Mother has to realize that her children may be a dating deterrent to some men, a physical disability may be a dating deterrent to some men as well. The same could be said about women - some may not want to date a single Dad or a man with a physical disability. There are people who won’t date someone that isn't a certain height, others are hung up on weight. Some focus on penis size, breast size, reciting hairlines, color of hair, smoking habits, drinking habits, eating habits, previous education, amount of income, the list goes on and on! We are all guilty of it, to some extent. But as awful as it sounds, everyone has their own "deal breakers." We can’t fault people for not loving us for who we are. Not everyone is going to feel a connection or even want to connect with us at all. And while you are trying to reel him in, there's a chance he’s already swimming back out to sea! Rejection. It's ugly, but it's a part of life we must accept.
Don't allow yourself to be angry or hurt by this. Instead, ask yourself..."Why do I want someone that doesn't want me? Where is the logic in that? And why do I want someone who isn't willing to work as hard at this relationship as me? Where is the love in that?"
Last week I went to a fun fund-raising event at Macy’s Cellar in San Francisco. It featured celebrity chef Ming Tsai of “Simply Ming” on PBS.
This wasn’t just a cookbook signing event, there were a few nibbles to taste as well. The central area of Macy’s Cellar was roped off for the evening, allowing paid attendees to grab a glass of wine and mingle among the Cuisinarts and Martha Stewart Collection.
Taste Catering was in the back cooking up some of Chef Tsai’s recipes for snacks, such as a shrimp-and-rice dish, an Asian sloppy Joe and for dessert a kind of banana foster sundae with macadamia nuts. It took awhile for the food to come out initially and everyone grabbed whatever came out on the trays, but eventually there were more than enough. I really enjoyed the sloppy Joe.
Part of the fund-raiser included a silent auction, where people could bid on kitchen items and food products like chocolates.
I was more interested in Chef Tsai’s demo. Tsai, who’s from Boston where his “Blue Ginger” restaurant is located, demonstrated a pot sticker recipe.
The pot sticker recipe looked pretty basic, but it was entertaining to just listen and watch Tsai. Who knew he was so hilarious?
He’s so cute, Tsai even had his parents in the audience. He features his mom on his PBS show occasionally, but apparently his dad likes to cook too.
Later on we got to try his pot stickers, and they were so tender and fresh. It was really tasty.
You can also participate in Macy’s Come+Together campaign to feed the hungry. It works by you hosting a dinner party and then asking your friends and family to donate to Feeding America. Macy’s will match your donations dollar-for-dollar. If you don’t feel like hosting a dinner (or like me don’t have the room to fit people in your apartment), then shop at Macy’s on Oct. 17 for its national “Shop for a Cause” day when part of the proceeds help the charity. Eating or shopping for a cause. You can do that, right? ;-)
