Love Liberates

When you were a child and someone at the playground said or did something mean to you, your feelings were hurt - naturally. Most of us reacted by saying or doing something mean right back. We got even. But we didn't grow. And as a result, we took that same immature playground mentality and applied it to our adult relationships. It's most prevalent after a breakup. I can't tell you how many friends have said to me "you should hate her, she's a bitch" after a breakup. Or how many times I've said the same to them after they've broken up with someone. Friends say these things to each other because they believe that's how support should be shown, rally in numbers. Take your friend's side and gang up on the "meanie" who hurt them. In our fucked up heads, we believe this shows loyalty. We believe this shows our love. But what it really shows is immaturity. It's detrimental to the healing process and it stunts emotional growth.

You're not empowering them. You're crippling them. You're telling them to replace love with anger, joy with pain. How is that helpful? How is that healing? How can you grow from that? It's not healthy. And it's flat-out wrong!

I never understood why my friends think it's in my best interest to hate someone I once deeply cared for (and maybe still do or always will care about). Why do I have to put them down just to bring myself up? Why do I have to hate them just to love myself? My friends get angry with me when I defend someone who they feel has done me wrong. They don't understand it. They think I'm being a doormat or that I refuse to let go. But that's not it at all. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I feel stronger for not hating them. I've never benefited from hate in my life. To hate someone is exhausting! But to love them (although it may be in a different capacity), that's energizing! That's freeing. That's healing. That how you facilitate growth.

Although it's easy to revert back to the playground mentality and spiral down that black hole of bitterness. Perfect example: My niece is in first grade. She's the happiest kid you've ever seen, but her face dropped recently when she told me about a boy in school that is calling her names. My immediate reaction was of course anger. I tried to block the tears that were about to flow down her chubby kid cheeks by calling the boy some names right back. "Oh don't listen to him. He's a stupid poop head and no one likes him anyways."

But before I could offer any more of my "bully advice," my Grandma chimed in. "You know what you do, Mia? When that boy calls you a mean name you just smile at him. Smile so big and so bright. You smile at him and say something nice in return, like I really like your hair today. I guarantee you it will change how he acts." Basically, she wanted her to kill him with kindness. My Grandmother has always been on another level than the rest of us. And she has always reminded me a of white Maya Angelou. The way she looks. The way she speaks. And most of all, her wisdom. Which is why I love this quote from Maya Angelou. I feel my Grandmother woven into every word.

I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn't just hold - that's ego. Love liberates. It doesn't bind. Love says..."I love you. I love you if you're in China. I love you if you're across town. I love you if you're in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ear. But that's not possible now, so I love you. Go." - Maya Angelou

Don't love hoping to be loved. Love to liberate your soul.